KRAMPUS

Krampus? I hardly know us! Is that something?

Since we can all agree that it’s something, we can move on to the meat of the story: the holidays! It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and you know what that means. Come Christmas Eve, we’ll all be visited by a colorful figure of mythical proportions. Tall, bearded, red frock, satyr horns, cloven feet—wait, we’re thinking of the same guy, right?

Back in 17th-centry central Europe, the half-demon, half-goat Krampus emerged as the ragtag companion of St. Nicholas. In many ways, he was the annoying friend of the popular guy that nobody liked, but tolerated when he inevitably came to the party. His name is derived from the German krampen meaning “claw.” And you did not want to be on the business end of those bad boys. Every December 5th (St. Nicholas Day Eve) St. Nicholas would spread cheer and good tidings to all the well-behaved boys and girls. In those days, the bar for “well-behaved” presumably meant that you didn’t cause a burden to your family by getting sick and dying of starvation or some other terrible illness. However, while the good kids got toys, the naughty ones were for ol’ Krampus to deal with. This meant getting beaten with branches and sticks (the preferred beating tools of Germany) and in some cases being temporarily dragged to hell. In the morning, children would either be stoked about all the cool gifts St. Nicholas left, like whatever the equivalent of a PS5 was in 1680, or be nursing their wounds from having their asses beat by Krampus the night before.

Really adds a whole new wrinkle (or kringle?) to the holiday, doesn’t it? It’s known that St. Nicholas was loosely based on Nicholas of Myra, a Christian bishop in Turkey during the time of the Roman Empire. His pious, generous spirit gave rise to the folklore of Santa Claus, which was eventually co-opted by the Coca-Cola Corporation in exchange for our money and souls. But why did this good-natured shaggy dude get paired up with the Scrappy-Doo bummer of all demons? Well, it’s hard to say. You probably wanted a Christmas miracle, but them’s the facts.

Krampus was thought to be the son of Hel, the Norse God of the underworld, and can be traced back to Pagan winter solstice rituals. And despite what the Catholic Church might have you believe, many Christian holidays and traditions are ripped from the playbooks of Pagan party planners—let’s face it, they were just cooler. Despite the Church’s best efforts to distance themselves from the creepy Krampus, his story persisted. People love the guy! Sure there’s the whole adding unecessary violence to a holiday that’s supposed to be about love and compassion. Sure, there’s the whole juxtaposing Saint Nick with his kind-of-sort-of-really-anti-Semitic dichotomous other half as a way to demonstrate the evils of non-Christian religions. But just like Coca-Cola, the people spoke and they adopted Krampus into annual festivities, fun runs, books, movies and more. After all, removed from religion or prejudice or any of that, Krampus is just a simple, well-meaning dude who likes to beat children with sticks and drag them to hell. And in the spirit of the holidays, can’t we all say a celebratory PROST! to that?

See you out there.